I feel like I get worse everyday.
Isn't that the opposite of self-healing time?
My mom has been so fragile. I've been staying with her until I feel it's ok.
My mom and I are the only ones experiencing the worst pain from losing you. We knew you faults, disability, struggles, and we loved you so much. You were all I knew for my whole life. You stood by my side and we've watched over each other.
I feel like I've failed in that responsibility.
We grew apart when I moved.
I was so ignorant.
So stupid.
So immature.
You needed me.
Mom needed me.
I just abandoned everyone.
You never visited my apartment in it's finished state.
I should've invited you over.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME.
You would've invited me over if it was your place.
That was the difference between you and I..
I was a prideful asshole and you were a humiliated angel. Seriously. Underneath all those tattoos and piercings. You had so much love.
Do you have any idea how many came to your funeral?
Hundreds.
The funeral was shocked.
You were no one special or famous. The name "Tapia" isn't known. Except for that boxer.
You were broke.
You didn't have a license.
You just cared.
So fucking much.
Even when people treated you like shit.
That was, unfortunately, your downfall.
Fucking Erika and her family.
They did this to you.
It's kinda funny.
I was going through a "high" in my life before all of this.
I started cooking almost every morning for myself, I was getting on track with my diet and I was working out everyday, you guys just got a new place, we hungout during my vacation, I was hitting way above my percentages at work. Even though mom was in the hospital, I felt I was on great terms with everyone and everything was good.
I don't think I was doing too good with Courts but other than that it was going great.
Then this.
I really think Brandon hates me for staying away these past two months.
I mean, I still go over twice a week and do shit. But if anyone can understand, it's him.
I'm still paying my half of the bills.
It's difficult to read him sometimes.
I know he enjoys it when I'm there though!
Idk. I'm trying to get my life back in order. But that won't happen until I go back to living at my place.
I fucking miss my dog, Comet.
I miss him so much. But he's so happy at our friend's place. I'm hoping this Saturday I can spend the day with him. I don't want him to forget me or think that I abandoned him. I love that dog.
No one is taking him away.
He's mine.
I taught him almost everything he knows.
I taught him manners, tricks, obedience (Works only for me though lol).
Potty training was the tough part. He's only a year oldish.
I've made some serious bad decisions the past couple months. All that I regret. Because they don't make me stronger, they make me worse. I knew the consequences beforehand and I still did them.
But I'm turning to God now. Er well at least I'm trying to.
It's so hard.
I wish it was easy like when I was young.
Ugh.
Well here it goes!
